by Christine Velazquez, MS, Nationally Certified School Psychologist
Have a kindergartener whose first day is tomorrow? Is your son or daughter starting at a new school? Has your child had a great summer (or a hard summer) and is really dreading getting on that bus? The start of a new school year, although exciting and ultimately positive, brings a slew of worries, stressors, and unknowns for both you and your child. Because let’s face it – trading out a beach bag for a book bag what most parents dread for their children – a change in routine. And oh boy, this is a change in routine, if I’ve ever seen one.
What can you do, as a parent, to alleviate some of this stress and even make starting school fun? These 5 strategies that may help.
Give them a heads up. Imagine being told last minute that you had to show up for and perform a job you’d never applied for, interviewed for, or even heard of, alongside 20 potential strangers (classmates) and for a boss (teacher) you’d never met, but had heard scary rumors about (“I heard she takes away recess,” “I heard he gives lots of homework.”) Talk about a nightmare.
Painting a picture for your child of when school will start, what they’ll do, and who they’ll be with can go a long way. Keep it brief and positive, but fill them in. If you can drive by and see the actual building, read books about school, or speak to them authentically about your own fun memories of school when you were their age, they will far better off when the big day comes. A little prep can go a long way.
Be clear, calm, and consistent. If your child has a tough time – anything from slow tears to a total meltdown on the first, and maybe… the second, and even… third day, stay strong. Stay consistent. Kids need routines and boundaries even though they fight them with all their might. When they resist routines and boundaries, it can make us feel as if we’re going down the wrong path and should switch gears and try something new. Stay calm, stay consistent.
Voice what you think they may be fighting (Are you scared to be with new kids? Do you understand what the teacher says? Do you miss mom or dad?), but do not overcompensate by letting them cross boundaries or have privileges that wouldn’t usually fly. For example, bedtime, meals/snacks, screen time and other fun activities, should stay as close to normal as possible during this transition. Think ahead about drop-off, homework, and other school-related routines that work for your family’s style and schedule and stick to them. When you least expect it, your little one will come to find comfort in the consistency and limits you set for them.
Fake it until you make it. If you have your own fears or worries, try as hard as you can to keep them to yourself. Wait till your child has gone to bed or left the house to call your mom/sister/spouse to vent your frustrations or first impression about how this is all going. Your child’s ears will be perked and every ounce of their intuition will be dedicated to reading how you are dealing with this transition. You are their emotional compass, which is quite a responsibility and one no parent necessarily asked for. Your opinions, emotions, and words will shape this experience for your child in ways you cannot even imagine.
Putting on a strong and composed front, even when you are not confident yourself, can give your child the confidence he or she needs to get through the first days at school.
Don’t get ahead of yourself. A rough first day or week is not indicative of a rough school year to come. As we learn as parents, but so easily and rapidly forget, childhood is not linear. Growth and success are not linear. Your kid could hate the first week of school and then turn into an enthusiastic student; they could need tons of extra TLC from mom and dad, and then blossom into Mr. and Mrs. Independent. Likewise, some students have a great first day or week, but then need support after the “honeymoon” is over.
Kids rarely think in the past or future, and in this case that is to their benefit. Try to stay present with your child and meet them where they are.
Put yourself in their (fun, tiny!) shoes. This is the fun part! Think back to the joys and delights of your first year in a new school. What did you like? What did you learn? Kids focus on the smallest, yet coolest, things. Ask them about their days and listen. Do they like the chocolate milk in the cafeteria? Did they get to tap a drum in music class? What kind of stickers did they put on their folder? Has anyone in their class lost a tooth? Does their teacher have a pet they love to talk about? Little, simple, things fuel kid’s imaginations and understanding of their worlds. Engaging in conversation about these things, although it can seem trivial, is a developmentally appropriate way to walk them through this big adventure.
And believe me they will notice. Anything you say or do – adding fun sticky notes in their lunch boxes; taping a picture of their favorite stuffed animal or pet (or you!) in their folder; playing a “pump up” song on the drive to school – your kid will appreciate.
And when all the kinks and bumps are done, these are the things they will remember about their first days of school!